Ask Andrea: How do you respond to hurtful comments, especially from people close to you like your mother?

Anonymous: 

“My mother often gives unsolicited advice and makes critical comments about my body. For example, we were shopping together recently, and while I was looking at a pair of shorts, she suddenly said something like, “Those are too short for bigger legs like yours.” They would’ve hit mid-thigh, which I think is totally normal for a mom my age, but she had to act like it would be so inappropriate. And, she knows how insecure I already feel. Her words felt like a gut punch. How do you respond when people say hurtful things like that to you? 

The thing is, I’ve struggled with body image for a long time, especially after having my daughter. But even before that, back in high school when I was much smaller, she still made comments. It’s like she’s always found something to critique. And, I always end up feeling awful afterward. Sometimes I think maybe if I just changed enough, she’d finally accept me. 

I want to be able to respond with kindness, but I also feel this strong urge to defend myself. I don’t even know why her opinion still gets to me so much. I just feel lost on how to handle this."

(throwback question 2, edited for clarity and anonymity from 2017)

Andrea: 

I’m sorry she spoke such hurtful words to you. Body shaming is not okay and can be quite damaging for you and your daughter to be around.  

Please know that her hurtful behavior is about her issues, and not yours. Know that you are beautiful inside and out. Take good care of yourself. Have compassion for yourself. If you want to change your body or take steps to greater wellness, you can of course — but do it only if you truly want to do so. Do it for you, and don't worry about anyone else's opinion. Either way, you are beautiful, and don't let her unkind words hinder your light. 

I understand what it's like to have that kind of mom. Growing up, my mother could be quite overbearing and critical. And, I let it get the best of me for far too long. The good news is that I found ways to not get so wrapped up in her drama, and you and your daughter can too. You don' t have to live in the chaos and fog of her negativity anymore.

I suggest trying a couple things. Warning — they may sound a little nutty, but you can just try them and see if they can help. If not, that's fine and you'll know either way. 

First, when you have some time when you won't be disturbed, grab a journal and a pen for some quality time listening to yourself. Think about the situation(s), and let yourself feel all the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Write about your feelings regarding the situation(s) and what you feel like saying to her in response to her critical and hurtful words — let it all out, no filter. Don't worry this is for you (your own self-healing and self-care), not her. This is an exercise purely for you. There is no need to send this to her. (Note: If after doing this exercise you would like to let her know how you feel and/or set and communicate some boundaries, then please feel free to do that in a more filtered and constructive note later on.) 

When you are ready, ask yourself if that's all or if there is anything else. Then, thank your feelings for letting you know that something wasn't right. Sit in a gratitude for those feelings and that part of you that is there to keep you safe and healthy. Next, when you have heard and appreciated all that a part of you had to say, you can let that part of you know that those feelings can be released now. A different part of your brain can take over, and you can tear up, burn, or do whatever you’d like with the letter. 

Second, get clear on your boundaries. Boundaries are for you to set to keep you and your family safe and well. Some people phrase it as boundaries are the space needed between you and I where I can still love you. That space differs for everyone, and it can ebb and flow.

It’s time to take a good look at what is helpful for you and what is not. Then, you can decide what you will and will not allow to happen regarding your mother’s behavior and you (and your daughter). You are free to leave her presence immediately, if she doesn't respect you or your boundaries (with explanation or not). Rehearse what you'd like to say to her for when you talk to her next about how you feel regarding her behaviors and/or next time it happens. Set expectations, including describing how you want to be treated and what you will no longer tolerate. Explain why, if you want to do so or think it will be helpful. She doesn't need to agree to your boundaries! You do not need her permission or blessing to remove yourself and your daughter from her unkind and disrespectful behavior. Your well-being is what matters in setting boundaries.

Also, as someone who has experienced ongoing mistreatment/emotional abuse from a parent, this type of stuff can really negatively impact how you feel about yourself as well as your ability to see your beauty and share your gifts. It's crucial to make self care an even greater priority when you are around someone like your mother and going through more stressful times. Actively find and focus on your uniqueness, what you like about yourself, and what brings you joy — and do those things. 

It's also important to learn how to protect yourself from others' emotions, judgement, and negativity in general. Look for an article soon about protecting yourself as an empath. Even if you don't relate to being an empath, it can help you to not easily absorb other people's stuff.

Peace and love to you 💖

✨ To all the mamas and other folks reading this:

The holidays are coming up soon and tensions can be on the rise this time of the year. If you'd like help cutting the mama drama and reclaiming yourself, let me know in the comments below or send me a message in the chat (click the chat box button in the lower right hand corner). I'm building a program to help women rise up above the chaos so they can hear their own inner guidance — the quiet voice of perfect love and light that can lead you on the best path ✨