Ask Andrea: Am I overreacting when my boyfriend stares at other women or looks at porn?

Anonymous:

“Yesterday, we went to the store. While we were sitting in the car in the parking lot, my boyfriend started staring at another woman walking in and commented that she was really fit. He is always staring at other women, and then I feel ugly. Am I overreacting? When I try to talk to him about it, he says things to me like lay off, it doesn’t mean anything, I’m just looking, you’re jealous, or you’re overreacting. I mean he watches porn at night and sometimes in the morning before work. So, I’m always wondering what’s wrong with me. It’s always younger women too. He even contacted a divorced 26 year old online asking if she was into older men. Am I just overreacting?” 

(throwback question 1, edited for clarity from 2017)

Andrea: 

I am so very sorry you are in this situation. Please understand that this is not your fault. His behavior is unkind and disrespectful, and it has nothing to do with you. It only shows the state of his own heart and mind. The way he treats you is not okay - it is totally his to own, not yours. 

No, you are not overreacting. He is deflecting and likely trying to make you look and feel bad for questioning his behavior. If you feel bad, ugly, or like it's your problem, not his, then you'll keep sticking around and tolerating it. And, he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his actions.

It's very normal to feel bad about yourself when you are being treated that way. Bad behavior from others can really impact how we feel about ourselves, especially if we don't know how to protect ourselves from it yet. It doesn't have to be this way. We can learn to value and love ourselves and to not accept that mistreatment anymore.

I don't know you personally, but please know that you are beautiful inside and out. You are valuable and loved. And, if you have trouble seeing all that right now, that's okay...it takes time, and a lot of hard work to fight the outside influences that tell you lies about yourself. 

Things you can do:

Learn more about yourself and find out what makes you unique. Figure out the things you like about yourself, do things you enjoy, and focus on improving your own happiness and purpose apart from him. Read some articles about increasing your self esteem, listening to your intuition, and finding internal peace and happiness. See how beautiful and amazing you really are. A kind counselor or coach can help as well. 

Peace and love to you.